Resistance is Often Protection, Not a Flaw
- Katie Mead
- Jan 13
- 2 min read
"Your teen’s resistance is not a personal attack, nor is it a failure of character. It’s often a signal of vulnerability."
When teens push back, procrastinate, shut down, or refuse to engage, it’s easy to label the behaviour as defiance, laziness, or lack of motivation. But research shows a different story: resistance is often a protective response, the nervous system’s way of staying safe under stress.
Why Teens Resist
During adolescence:
Emotional and threat-detection systems are highly active
Impulse control, planning, and perspective-taking areas are still developing
This means teens can experience stress more intensely than adults expect.
What looks like “noncompliance” often signals:
Emotional overload
Fear of failure or judgment
Loss of autonomy
Unmet needs for safety or understanding
"Seen through a trauma-informed and developmental lens, behaviour is communication."
The Pressure Trap
Our instinct as parents is to respond with pressure:
More consequences
Tighter control
Louder explanations
Increased urgency
But pressure often escalates resistance, confirming the teen’s sense that something isn’t safe.
"Protection doesn’t always look logical. It can look like avoidance, withdrawal, sarcasm, 'I don’t care,' or 'leave me alone.'"
Curiosity Over Control
When we view resistance as protection, we can respond with curiosity instead of control. Ask:
What feels hard right now?
What might my teen be protecting themselves from?
What would help this feel safer to approach?
This doesn’t mean removing expectations or abandoning boundaries.
The sequence works best like this:
Connection first
Understanding second
Limits last
When teens feel emotionally safe, resistance often softens — not because they were forced, but because their nervous system no longer needs to defend.
Parenting Leadership Takeaway
"When we respond with curiosity instead of control, we don’t just reduce conflict, we teach teens that they can protect themselves and stay connected."
Your teen’s resistance is:
Not a personal attack
Not a flaw of character
Often a signal of vulnerability
Respond with curiosity. Teach self-protection and connection. These lessons last far beyond adolescence.
Comments