Emotions Don’t Need Control: They Need Understanding
- Katie Mead
- Jan 13
- 2 min read
“Emotions don’t need control — they need understanding.”
This may be one of the most misunderstood truths in parenting teens.
When adolescents experience big emotions, i.e. anger, anxiety, withdrawal, or overwhelm, our instinct as parents is often to manage the behaviour. To calm it down, shut it off, or to move past it quickly. But decades of developmental psychology tell us something essential:
Teens don’t struggle because they feel too much.They struggle when their emotions feel unsafe, unseen, or misunderstood.
The Adolescent Brain: Not a Flaw, but Biology
During adolescence, the emotional centres of the brain are highly active, while the regions responsible for:
impulse control
perspective-taking
emotional regulation
are still under construction.
This isn’t a character issue. It’s not defiance or immaturity.
It’s biology.
Regulation Is Learned Through Relationship
Research consistently shows that emotional regulation is learned through connection, not through suppression or correction. Teens develop regulation by first being understood; by having their internal experience:
named
normalized
held with curiosity instead of urgency
Understanding comes before regulation. Always.
Why Co-Regulation Matters
Before teens can regulate themselves, they need adults who can:
stay calm
remain present
be emotionally available in the face of big feelings
This is the process known as co-regulation, and it’s where many well-intentioned parents get stuck.
When We Try to Control Emotions
In moments of distress, parents often try to regain control by:
fixing the problem too quickly
minimizing (“It’s not that big a deal”)
lecturing or reasoning in the heat of the moment
focusing on behaviour without addressing the feeling underneath
But control often communicates something unintended:
Your emotions are too much.Your feelings are inconvenient. You need to change before you’re safe here.
What Understanding Communicates Instead
Understanding sends a very different message:
I see you.Your feelings make sense. You don’t have to be calm to be connected.
And here’s the paradox parents are often surprised by:
When teens feel emotionally understood, emotional intensity usually decreases.
Not because they were controlled, but because their nervous system no longer needs to escalate to be heard.
Understanding ≠ Permissiveness
Understanding doesn’t mean:
agreeing with every behaviour
removing limits
avoiding accountability
It means separating the feeling from the action, and responding to both with intention.
A Powerful Shift for Parents
Instead of asking:
“How do I get this emotion to stop?”
We begin asking:
“What is this emotion trying to tell us?”
That question builds trust. Trust builds safety.And safety creates regulation.
Regulation Is What Helps Teens Grow
It’s not control that helps teens mature emotionally.
It’s regulation.
And regulation begins in relationship.
Leadership Takeaway for Parents
You don’t need to manage your teen’s emotions.
You need to model how emotions can be understood, tolerated, and moved through.
That’s how teens learn to do it themselves.
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